Who needs Gok, Trinny or Susannah?

I confess, I’m not a Heat magazine reader and only pick up Hello magazine when I’m in the doctor’s surgery, but the British infatuation with celebrity infects us all a little.T
hat’s why I found myself sitting open-mouthed on my settee watching Katie Price on TV having around four sets of cosmetic surgery in as many days in LA.
Her desperate desire? Well, among other slight irritations tainting the body beautiful was the fact that her belly button stuck out a bit – and she hated it! Stoical hubby watched in despair, begging her to make this her last bout of surgery.
“I’ll do what I want,” she snapped. And she did. But I got that Whacko Jacko feeling as I looked at her strangely altering features. Constant surgical tweaking on the super attractive has a negative affect in my humble, plain Jane opinion.
And that’s when I started feeling relieved that I am ordinary. Relieved that I couldn’t give a stuff about my baby belly, flabby thighs, spot on my chin or the fact that the wrinkles are starting to blend into one giant network of cracks and bumps – a bit like the Grand Canyon.
Strangely, I have never scrutinised my belly button and felt waves of nausea at any perceived deformity, though I did find some fluff there once. Heaven help me!
Clearly, I am no glamour model relying on my looks to make a living, but the thought “too much money and time can make you completely barmy” did flash through my mind as I watched Katie positively enjoying yet another anaesthetic.
Years ago, when I went to my GP about having a bit of a lump removed she said: “Think long and hard because there is an element of risk with every operation. If you don’t really need it, if it’s only for cosmetic reasons, my advice would be don’t bother.”
Try telling that to image-obsessed celebrities as they head off for their fifth boob job.
I like to think that if I won the lottery tomorrow I’d stay completely grounded. Though I’d definitely buy a car to make Robbie Savage’s latest motor look dull, I wouldn’t jet off to LA for a Demi Moore-style makeover.
Take me as I am, lardy thighs an’ all. Plus, the fat keeps me warm in the South Stand at Pride Park.
What all women fail to realise until they are old and grey is that, actually, when they were young they looked pretty damn good – even without a scrap of make-up.
In the meantime, women of all ages appear far too ready to expose every inch of their bodies to scrutiny on national TV in the name of yet another makeover show.
Quite why the programme makers find it necessary to get, for example, lots of ladies with fuller figures to bend over in their undies to show us how big their backsides are is quite beyond me. Why women do it leaves me even more baffled. Everyone wants their 15 minutes of fame but naked bottoms!
I note that there is no male equivalent to this plethora of vanity-based shows. Instead the lads stick to watching the football or rugby. How wise they are. They don’t waste precious hours listening to Gok Wan telling women how to look good naked.
Now, conversely, Gok is presenting Miss Naked Beauty, a programme which gets women back to basics, stripping off the make-up to discover the beauty underneath together with that other vital key to attraction – personality.
The hunt is on for confidence, spirit, sex appeal, brains and beauty. Look no further Gok. You’ll find me in the South Stand at Derby County next Tuesday night, lardy thighs an’ all. Join me there and I’ll give you personality all right. No mascara necessary. In the meantime fellow women, young and old alike, do remember you are all brilliant. And you don’t need Gok, Trinny, Susannah, or even me, to tell you so.

A very merry credit crunch Christmas

Credit crunch and Christmas, both begin with ‘C’ – and the similarity doesn’t end there.
Christmas, a happy time? In fact, it sees a frighteningly high suicide rate, it’s the Samaritans’ busiest time and mountains of marriages hit the rocks come January 1.
Likewise, the credit crunch has seen calls to the Samaritans spiral and it has killed off many a marriage.
Divorce rates in London rocket when the spouses of high-earning city workers see the cash cow in trouble. Quietly breathe the word redundancy and I’ve-only-married-you-for-the-money partners are out of the house, designer bags packed, before they hear the dreaded words “stop spending”.
On the plus side (sort of), the credit crunch is preventing some warring couples from divorcing because they cannot afford to separate.

So much for festive – and credit crunch – cheer. Better, then, that we contemplate the coming season of goodwill like Scrooge – complete with miser gloves, miserable faces and a determination not to waste a penny.
After all, redundancies are 10 a penny, home energy and food bills are rocketing and if you’re not growing your own veg and walking round the house in six jumpers and a bobble hat to save on heating, you’re not playing ball.
Anyone who boasts an inner Scrooge is definitely coming into their own right now.
I feel a wartime, batten-down-the-hatches mentality emerging. What’s wrong with bread and dripping sandwiches anyway? Rationing? Bring it back and we can fight obesity at the same time.
Anyway, it’s not all doom and gloom, some people like the credit crunch. Ryanair chief executive Michael O’Leary says it’s good for business and reckons his low-cost airline will reap the benefits of the current economic gloom.

“We are not just looking at a recession but a depression,” he said cheerily.
Meanwhile, as our belts are pulled in so tightly we almost crush out vital organs, it’s good to see frugality return.

Aldi and Lidl are awash with new amateur bargain hunters struggling with that crazy race at the tills to shove everything into the trolley at breakneck speed. Help with your packing? Get a grip. View it more like a Krypton Factor challenge.
Other discount retailers are thriving, too. The East Midlands Designer outlet was so packed last Sunday people were parked bumper to bumper on the pavements outside. Not shopping? We’re shopping more, just in different places.
For example, Domino’s pizzas are doing a roaring trade as people are cutting back on eating out but – despite Jamie Oliver’s best efforts – still can’t be bothered to cook. The compromise? Order in a pizza. Not exactly Scrooge-like but it saves a few bob.
In addition, Domino's has been a rise in the sale of potato wedges. In the last recession supermarkets saw sales of rice and potatoes surge, which means we all comfort eat on starch when times are tough.
Meanwhile, meat and organic food sales are down but sales of Tupperware and plastic sarnie bags are up because we’re buttering our own cobs to take to work.
Apart from the starch obsession, that all seems fairly sensible to me but market analysts say that we are not reacting to the credit crunch in a rational way.
Perhaps not but when, day and night, we’re told that the world economy is crashing around our ears, it’s hard not to rush into the kitchen for a giant baked potato served with rice, chips and a Domino’s pizza. The starch overload sends us to sleep and, for a few hours at least, we can stop worrying about the credit crunch.
As for me, a sensible girl when it comes to money, I have to confess that I have changed my buying habits this Christmas. Weirdly, I’ve stockpiled a pile of presents. Strange indeed for someone who normally dashes out to buy gifts at 2pm on Christmas Eve. I have no explanation for this, or my obsession with rice and potatoes.
As for Christmas Day, I’m wondering if Domino’s will be delivering. I can only hope...